BrOkEn

*If you are new or haven't kept up with my blog please go back and start with the post titled "Seasons" . These posts are better read in order so that you get the full picture.

I don’t normally post scrapbook pages on my blog but I really thought about it and Jon encouraged me to do it. I got the idea from a scrapbook page that I saw a few years back. I had seen it in a scrapbooking magazine but I avoided it because it dealt with Post Partum Depression. Weird, I know. I just didn’t want to know anything about it. I think, or rather know, deep down it scared me. I know that with both pregnancies I prayed so hard against post partum depression. I felt that I could be susceptible to it and therefore prayed against it. I never got it. So at some point I decided to pick up the magazine and read the page. I was blown away by the honesty of this woman and the depths of her depression. It scared me yet I was in awe of her candor to print it for all the world to see. About a week ago I went to her blog and saw that she was encouraging fellow scrapbookers to document their tough times be it through loss of a loved one or just a rough season in life. She wrote how she had done it and felt that it was therapeutic. I decided to do the same…to be completely honest with myself and to document this season in my life for me as well as my kids.

The idea behind the page came from another scrapbooker/card maker. I saw her demo this card and I loved how the pieces of paper looked like rays of sunshine. During this season I often called my kids my “rays of sunshine” so that is where I got the idea for the “rays” on the page. I titled the page “Broken” because I feel this is ultimately a season of brokenness and the person that I had the divine encounter with told me to “just be broken”. As a control freak this was like the last straw…allowing me to be completely broken and vulnerable.

These are the words that I wrote on my page…

fear/anxiety/feelings of hopelessness/alone/a dark cloud hanging over me/gripping fear/holed up in my bed for days/not eating/BROKEN/mind racing/is there something wrong with me?/is this spiritual warfare?/fear of being alone/questioning-God, have you left me?/are you mad at me?/have you thrown your hands in the air and said “ok, let her be”?/trying to desperately cling to His promise “I will never leave you nor forsake you”/don’t want my kids to see me like this/seeing the pain and hurt in Jon/helpless/afraid of everything/trying to hide behind my smile/fear of dying/fear of my kids inheriting this trait and will it be worse for them?/crying out for help/desperation/fear of letting people know/afraid to feel/dwelling on the bad/crying spells/feeling out of control/will I ever come out of this?/scared of the mornings because the anxiety is so bad/will today be a good day or a bad day?/trying to find joy in the little things/my kids-my RAYS of sunshine and hope/Jon-his unconditional love/in SICKNESS and in health/standing by me through it all/family-accepting, loving, sharing their own bouts/friends-not one left me!/surrounding me/loving me/caring for me and taking care of me/friends sharing their struggles, dark times/God-patient, loving, protecting, delivering/strangers sharing their stories & telling me how I’ve ministered to them (through my love, my passion, my outlet-music)/encouraging me not to stop singing/breaking stigmas/helping me process/finding hope/seeing God in the midst of this HURRICANE/grieving/changing/seeing myself for who I am/beginning to see the light through the storm clouds/accepting help/accepting the need for medication/allowing it to help me/feeling anxiety and shame for taking it yet sensing peace & clarity/knowing God will never let go of me/He is my fortress/my shield/my deliverer/knowing He told me this would be a long process-not a quick fix/trusting that He will take care of me/trusting Him/trusting in Him/ letting go/laying it down/finding freedom in my worship/I know it’s going to be a long, hard process/as a runner I know the miles can be grueling, but I never once quit/I can’t quit/I won’t quit/even when the hills seem like mountains-I will press on/God gets the glory-through it all!/the good/the bad/the gut-wrenching/it’s all to refine me/to bring me closer to Him/to use me-BROKEN me/to minister to other BROKEN women/to God be the glory